Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
