I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
