I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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