Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
