my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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