I want to have your abortion
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
