Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do vagina's smell?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
