I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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