Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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