My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
