she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
