Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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