I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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