apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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