Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
