I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
