how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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