I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
