She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
