i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
this hospital has no fireball
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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