Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
