Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
