Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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