This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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