I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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