My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
