at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize