I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
