dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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