I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
