Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
