if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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