Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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