the condom got lost in my hair
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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