I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You smell like stripper and shame
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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