if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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