I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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