I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
