god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he thought i was a dude.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
