see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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