I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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