i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
