I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
