the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
