2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
