its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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