I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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