i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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