Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
