My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
