i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
