I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
