the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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