On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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