his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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