hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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