I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
