my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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